IT USUALLY HITS ME ON FRIDAY

Remember the song from the 80’s,

Working for the Weekend

Everybody’s working for the weekend

Everybody wants a little romance

Everybody’s goin’ off the deep end

Everybody needs a second chance, oh

You want a piece of my heart

You better start from start

You wanna be in the show

Come on baby lets go

Yes, I realize I just gave away my age.  But, we sang it at the top of our lungs every Friday morning on the way to school.  It was the excitement of dragging main street, blaring your horn and hanging with your friends.

I love Friday mornings, I’m up and at school by around 7am provided Starbucks isn’t down to one expresso machine and makes me arrive 15 minutes late. High school girls Bible study is the highlight of my Friday’s! I get to connect with these girls as they lead us through their life verses.  I’m amazed they are being vulnerable and sharing their stories with each other. Developing trust.

It usually hits me on Friday.

What is it you ask?

I tried hard to have a crucial conversation with myself.  Be self-aware. It’s normal.  Everyone feels it.  Especially if you are living on your own for the first time ever.  I found myself rationalizing it away.

My good friend Crystal actually was courageous enough to write a blog post about it herself. She posted the day before Valentine’s Day.   She wrote it. I read it. I sobbed through it.  I texted her and told her thanks for being courageous enough to go there.  She texted back and said I was thinking of you as I wrote it.  (If you’d like to read it here’s the link:  http://t.co/f7KBQmbrIU ) The quote that stands out is this:

We need to sit with it for a minute and let it be real.” 

So I did. A week later. Friday night.

LONELINESS

Here’s how my conversation went yesterday evening:

Me: Today has been hard. Not sure why. Just a sad day. I’m glad to be home and in front of  the fire.

Friend: feeling alone?

Me: Not alone.

Me: Lonely

Me: Hate it

Me: It usually hits me on Friday (I was on a bullet point roll)

She listened and encouraged me. She just let me go……

Me: It’s ok. Just need to walk through.

Face it

Feel it.

Know I will survive it.

It cannot be fixedYou have to face it. Feel it. Walk through it.

You simply just want someone to hold you and tell you everything is going to be ok.  Please know, there are people I can call and make plans with.  Don’t feel sorry for me.  It’s where I am and you can’t fix it.

I have to walk through it.

If I don’t walk through it, how in the world will I be able to relate to you when you go through it?  By the way, walking through it is different for everyone. Please walk through it.  Someone needs you to.  YOU need to.

I have to face it.  

Yes, I have to see it, call it by name, and look it dead in the eye.

I have to say, “you are not going to win this one.”

Loneliness will not win. Once it has been called out, it no longer has a grip on me.  Hard to face. But harder, to stuff deep inside. The ramifications are enormous if I stuff. So I name it OUT LOUD. There’s a comfort in voicing it.

Whatever you do, don’t run from it.

I have to feel it.

It’s ok to cry.  It’s ok to be angry about it. Sad.

Just don’t get caught up in there for too long.

Being vulnerable is raw and scary.  The older I get, the less time I have to stuff and not deal. Let it out; it’s ok.

Give yourself permission. 

I’m learning not to put up a front.  Right now, there are a hand full of people who I can just be how I am at the moment. They read my 3am emails.  They pray. Why? Because they have walked similar roads.  They’ve chosen to be vulnerable with me. Not once have they shamed me because of how I’m feeling. They are trustworthy.

Me: Just for today, I am not going to be tough or strong. Going to let go.

Know I will survive: 

It’s funny when you are tired and worn down how everything looks like you are at the end of the world.  How do I know you will survive? The same way I do. Choosing to own it, going to bed and getting up the next morning. Today already seems brighter and yet the sun is not even ready to come up. You may choose to write about it, or pray, or open up to someone.

You will survive. You are not alone.  There is someone who has faced it and survived before you. Find them.

Just so you know, my boys surprised me last night and stopped by. Ordered pizza, sprawled out and just loved on me. Maybe they sensed how I was feeling, yesterday and decided to come love on their mom. Most likely, not, but I will take it.  It eased a lot of the pain and hurt I was experiencing.

The last words of my friend:

Girl. Let it out.

Just don’t go shack up!!! (Which sent me to the floor laughing so hard!!!!!)

In other words, don’t fix stupid with stupid. Don’t numb it with sin(ex. Shacking up with someone). You want to FACE your loneliness with obedience…I can only do this with the Lord’s help.

It’s Saturday, which means I made it through one more Friday. See there’s hope!!

I know you can too.

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